The drunk and the weapons master
by Mohawk82
Summary: Ironhide acts secretively when he asks Ratchet for help installing some new equipment. Ratchet figures it out and suddenly it isn't so secret anymore.


Ratchet stared at the fidgeting weapons master. This was odd, Ironhide had never fidgeted before. Ever. His optics left the twitchy bot to inspect the object in his hand again. It seemed familiar. The oblong thing had a ridged surface, a deep gun metal color that would complement the weapons master perfectly. It wasn't a weapon, though. Ironhide had, with rising temper, refused to tell him what it was, but that just prompted Ratchet's processors to work overtime, trying to figure it out. It was fitted with a cartload of sensors, a ridiculous amount of them actually: temperature, pressure, moisture... Nope, still couldn't put his finger on what it was supposed to be. Ironhide's defensive aggression about what it was supposed to do was suspicious in and of itself. He had asked the medic for help with installing it but refused to elaborate on what it actually was.

Maybe it was some sort of probe? But what would he need that for? He could scan everything just like everyone else. And then there was the odd addition of a vibrator to the thing, something 'Hide absolutely refused to explain.

"What?!"

Ironhide snarled at him and Ratchet realized that he had been so occupied with the work of his processors that his optics had stuck at the already annoyed bot, seemingly staring.

"Oh, nothing. Just a lot on my RAM right now. Just wait a little while I finish it."

Ratchet scanned the internet because he was fairly certain the vaguely familiar object was something earthly. Probe. He wound up in a webpage for survivors of alien abductions and probings. What kind of probings? Quickly scanning the page, he almost lost the fuel he'd had earlier. Who would want to stick a probe there?!

He opened more pages, varying his searches and stumbled across something that seemed to be a nature documentary of humans mating. He cocked his head at the clip with a moaning female, writhing as a male pushed a seriously oversized, pink thing into her valve. Vagina. He corrected himself. Humans had some seriously weird mating habits. The male genitalia wasn't something new to the medic but what purpose would an artificial copy of it fill in the breeding cycle? It almost resembles the thing Ironhide... Oh. Oh. Suddenly, everything fell in place. His optics snapped to Ironhide, widening in shock.

"For the love of Primus, you're going to try mating with her!"

He squeaked in a very unbotly way, before clapping his hand over his transmitter. He had not meant to send that to everyone, but in his defense, he was shocked out of his processors.

"Who is going to mate with whom?!" Prime's voice rumbled over the Autobot's channel. Ironhide face palmed, glaring at Ratchet.

"Never mind, eeh, I wasn't supposed to transmit that out loud." Ratchet tried to smooth it over.

"But you did, and now you have to keep talking!" Sideswipe transmitted in a sing song voice.

"Two of the lab rats I've been studying." Ratchet wasn't a bad liar, not really, but it was a lame excuse.

"I call decepticonscrap!" Sideswipe yelled.

"It's classified?" Ratchet tried again to evade the questions.

Optimus actually snorted at that, something very uncharacteristic for the war jaded bot. All hope of getting away with his slip up abandoned him when everything went to pitfire on two wheels as Sideswipe rolled in. He stopped, looking back and forth between the irritated weapons master and the nervous medibot. Ratchet could practically hear his processors working. Suddenly Sideswipe barked a laugh, optics glowing with mirth.

"Oh, you sly fragger!" He pointed at Ironhide, transmitting it out loud to everyone. "You're gonna try interfacing with Banes!"

"You bastard!" Bumblebee cut in with a sound clip from Southpark.

Ratchet almost buried his face in his hands but he still had the... thing in his hand and he quickly hid it behind his back.

"That is impossible, you could damage her! Not to mention her fragile mental state after her breakup with Sam!" Optimus roared across the ether.

Sideswipe cocked his head, looking at Ironhide. He seemed to consider something, or just weighing his words, and that was out of character. A slow wicked smile stretched his lip plates.

"Is she willing to try?" He asked curiously.

"For Primus sake, don't tell me you want to try too?! I can't believe any of you is actually considering this!" Optimus sounded incredulous. Interspecies interfacing wasn't unheard of but it was still uncommon and sometimes frowned upon, depending on what species was involved. It wasn't that Optimus saw humans as lower beings than Cybertronians, it was just... the differences.

"I think she is." Ironhide answered thoughtfully. "But you are not going anywhere near her!" His voice turned into a snarl.

"What makes you think she wants to do that with you?" Ratchet was confused. What would the tiny, breakable and gorgeous fleshling want with an enormous, trigger-happy metal man?

Ironhide gave up on his pretensions to keep any of it secret, pit, everyone already knew now anyway.

"Oh, fraggit! Look."

He transmitted his memories from a couple of days back to them all.

Ironhide was waiting to fall into recharge when he picked up a signal aimed at him. It was a phonecall made to him through the frequency the humans had set up to be able to get ahold of the Autobots, but the number was unknown and he picked up, not saying anything, cautious about who would know his number.

"Ironhide, are you there? Please, please, please pick up the signal." Mikaela's voice was distressed. She seemed to be talking to herself at this point.

"'m here. Calm down."

His rumbling voice seemed to instantly calm her and a relieved sigh was exhaled slowly on the other end of the line.

"Thank God! Could you please, please pick me up? I need to get out of here but I'm dru... uhm, I can't drive right now, I'm too upset."

Of course he picked up on what she'd almost let slip, and his sensitive audio sensors didn't miss the slur in her speech. She had been drinking. He got the coordinates and quietly rolled out from the base.

He fast forwarded to when he arrived at the scene of the party, 'cutting to the chase' as the humans put it.

The music was loud and the house was crowded with drunken teenagers. He rolled slowly along the sidewalk, scanning the building for any sign of Mikaela and spotted her running (stumbling) towards him, clearly inebriated. She wrenched the passenger door open with surprising urgency and practically jumped in.

"I'd almost say I've never been more happy to see you and considering what we've been through that says a lot." She breathed out heavily and relaxed into his seat, stroking the leather.

"So what made you call me at this hour, drunk nonetheless? I should report you, you little scoundrel."

The memories showed that Ironhide had been amused, not angry. Through the transmission, he could feel Optimus bristle at it, the Prime obviously not liking that he'd let her get away with underage drinking but he didn't care and just kept playing the clip.

Mikaela looked shocked and horrified at first, until he laughed and she realized that he was just messing with her.

"Haha, very funny." She slapped his dashboard. "And who would you report it to? I love my father, but he isn't exactly gonna win any father-of-the-year awards. He's probably drunk too by now.'

"Hmm. But that doesn't explain why you were drinking. Or why you called me." Ironhide was curious. And a little flattered that the young fleshling had called him of all creatures on the planet.

"I just happened to do what almost all teenagers do, I snuck out to a party and got a little drunk. Then there was this guy who wouldn't take a hint and I just wanted to get out of there. I don't know why you were the first one I came to think of." She looked thoughtful. "I feel safe with you." She added it with slight hesitation. As if she was a bit embarrassed.

"Maybe I should punish you myself." He rumbled with a playful growl, all intentions on joking. The spike in her pheromones was not a joke though, and came as a surprise. She got aroused by that?!

They fell into a slightly awkward silence. Ironhide drove towards her home. Mikaela absentmindedly stroked the door handle, staring out the window. Her light touch felt nice, fingers grazing parts where his armor wasn't covering his sensor network and Ironhide shivered.

"Can't we go out of town? Just for a little bit. I haven't seen the stars since like forever. There's nothing to do at home anyway."

She ended in a quiet, subdued tone but when Ironhide turned she grinned happily. Truth be told, it was a long time since he just looked at the stars too and what better way to do it than with a friend?

They ended up on the hills outside of town, the grass dry and scorched by the unrelenting sun. His sensors showed that no humans where close by and when she had gotten out, he transformed slowly, languorously stretching with surprising lightness for such a large bot.

"Show-off!" Sideswipe leered over their channel but he got quiet when the clip being played for them showed Ironhide's sensors picking up an even more potent whiff of Mikaela's pheromones.

The girl was staring at the weapons master with barely concealed interest. He stretched out on the ground, hands behind his head and after a few moments she followed suit, laying beside him. They were quiet for a long time, both watching the clear sky. The moon bathed everything in a cold, silver light and it reflected off his metal body. Mikaela glanced at him several times, eyes drifting over the planes of his armor when she thought he didn't notice it.

"Thank you for coming to get me. And for bringing me out here. That's nice of you."

She crawled closer to him, renewing his realization just how tiny she was compared to him. Her soft body curled against his side but he picked her up and deposited her rather unceremoniously on his chest plate. Mikaela made an undignified sqeak in surprise and blushed.

"I don't want to worry about squashing you."

He prepared for a verbal stripping of his metal hide for the implications of the action but what he wasn't prepared for was her pheromones whiplashing from arousal when he dumped her on top of himself to indignation and disappointment at his words.

"It's OK, I like it here." She stated flatly, laying down.

Her fingers idly traced his armor, exploring old scratches and bumps and Ironhide shuddered. The girl froze momentarily but then she resumed her ministrations, her touch firmer. When her fingers slipped around the edge of his armor, touching bare sensors, he grunted and shuddered again and she looked up at him, eyes curious.

"Does this feel good?"

"Oh, you have no idea." His voice was strained.

"Oh. Oh!"

Suddenly she snatched her hand away and blushed again and Ironhide couldn't stop himself from smirking.

"Didn't say I mind it."

"Hm."

She continued, though hesitantly. Her heartbeat had increased and she was giving off nervousness and more arousal. Interesting. He moved a plate on the back of his hand, slipping out a nimble cable. He stroked lightly along her spine and she gasped and arched as her arousal heightened even more. Her heart raced and her fingers returned to stroke his sensor net again, curious but uncertain. Her nervousness matched her arousal, growing every second. Through her aroused haze and curiosity, he suspected that she wasn't quite ready to really consider human/Autobot intimacy. Truth be told, he wasn't either. He was an open minded bot, but really, who does think of that kind of things? At best, it was kinky. It didn't stop his spike from pressurizing from her rather delicious ministrations under his armor. And she wasn't even close to the more sensitive parts of him. Kinky or not, this was really something he suddenly wanted to explore.

Across the transmission, he felt Prime's disapproval, as well as Sideswipe's amusement and lust. The disapproval lessened when the clip continued with him stopping their ministrations before they reached a point of no return from whatever they were quickly advancing towards.

Ironhide snaked the cable around her waist and pulled her flush to his armor. The comforting gesture that interrupted what had beginning to brew seemed to settle her and she let out a shaky breath, relaxing. Maybe it was for the best. He should bring her home and roll back to the base and erase the memory of everything from when he picked her up to when he dropped her off. He was reluctant to see this time with her go, though.

"I could stay here all night." She yawned, as if she knew that he was thinking about taking her home.

"We can do that." The words were out before he processed them and he silently cursed. It was wrong!

Mikaela rolled onto her back, again watching the stars with a small smile. Ironhide stroked her hair with the cable and the girl was giving off contentment, her eyes going droopy.

"You can sleep in the backseat of my cab if you want. It isn't as big and comfy as Prime's but I think you'll be fine."

"I'd love that. You know, us humans has a saying that 'size doesn't matter'. Mostly it's males saying that to cover that they are lacking size in the cock department."

He barked a surprised laugh.

"Is that so?"

She just grinned impishly, like she hadn't meant to say it out loud.

He helped her to the ground and got up, taking a couple of quick steps and transforming mid leap, landing in his truck form. Mikaela crawled in and laid down in the seat.

"You're the first guy to get me into the backseat on the first date. That was a smooth move."

Ironhide's engine hiccupped at her words and she laughed.

"Whaat? You have to know what the boys want when they try getting a girl into their backseat, don't you?"

Her smile broadened when she could feel him searching the internet for what she was talking about.

"That was not my intentions!" He was actually indignant. The want of some physical exploring aside, he hadn't meant it like that at all.

"Oh, come on, don't be pissy! I was joking! But it's funny because you really are the bad boy of the Autobots. You love to spin your cannons around, big, black pick up, you're kind of a brawler..." she trailed off, once again stroking a door handle. He shuddered again. "...And you're hot." She added in a low voice.

He was quiet for some time, processing her words and Mikaela was drifting off when he turned his attention back to her.

"You think it's weird that I find you attractive?"

She mumbled, half asleep, and he wondered just how she knew that he had his processors focused on her again.

"Not weird, I'm just surprised. Aren't there boys your age, size and species lined up to mate with you?"

She snorted.

"Yep, there is. And that's exactly the thing. They want to 'mate' and then the interest is gone. And for me, the mating isn't even good mostly. They are clumsy, and not really good at making it good for me. Mostly I end up faking just to get it over with. I can get off better with a dildo."

Her eyes widened with shock.

"I'll never drink again! Here I am, telling you about my masturbation habits!"

She clapped her hands over her face, mortified as Ironhide looked up a 'dildo' at the web.

"Don't be shy about it. Do you know how many worlds I've seen? Every species does it. It's natural. Though you humans are quite inventive when it comes to props..."

He flipped a screen in the back of the front seat open and showed her a picture of a big, purple dildo. Mikaela peaked through her fingers.

"Actually, mine is a metal color. Reminds me of you." Her fingers slid back over her eyes and she groaned. "Can someone tie my tongue, please? Seems I can't stop talking. Next I might tell you that I pretend it's you when I use it." She inhaled sharply. "Did I say that out loud?!" She screeched.

Ironhide was left dumbstruck while his spike was once again pressurizing, a very uncomfortable and weird feeling in his pick up mode. She actually thought of him while pleasuring herself?!

Her mortification was lessening as she started to drift again, the alcohol and her sleepiness winning out. Just before she fell asleep, she mumbled. "I would go into the backseat with you. If it was possible."

Across the comms, everybot was speechless.

"You lucky fragger." Sideswipe sounded breathless.


End file.
